When you’re a child you may throw a temper tantrum and flat-out refuse to do something. You may not budge, forcing someone else to exert power over you to cause you to move or do something. Unfortunately, although you may wish to revert to such childlike behavior when required to do something undesirable as an adult, you are expected to assume responsibility, to man up or suck-it-up and do the task at hand. There is no one there to fouce you to take action, and so you must exert will-power upon yourself to complete the required deed. Temper tantrums are unacceptable. If you don’t help yourself, no one is going to be there to do it for you. It’s do our fail . It’s take action or cease to live life.
All of these thoughts were going through my head as I left home yesterday. It surprised me how I’ve come such a full-circle to feel any remorse at leaving my hometown, the parents, the arguments, etcetera. But I think it has finally hit me, This is it! I am practically on my own already, but come May I’m going to be completely cut free. No more Daddy pasy for this and that. No more summer breaks full of rest and relaxation, fun and freedom. No more school to go back to in the fall. No more hopes of transferring to a larger state university. No more college life. No more drinking-is-illegal. You name it, this is it!
I’ve had such a flood of emotions over the pas couple of days. Finality. Excitement. Remorse. Possibility. Joy. Fear. Anxiety. Freedom. Love. I’ve said goodbye to my grandparents, quite possibility for the last time in this life. That is no easy task to complete dry-eyed, and you can’t cry because they’ll know why. Be strong, I tell myself, but it’s all a sham. I’ve finally grown to appreciate home. Is it too late? Should I ever consider living closer to home again? I don’t understand my parents, and I’ve come to accept that fact, but I love them, I know. I want my relationship with God to grow this year, but I’m scared it won’t. I’m scared I’ll keep making huge mistakes and choosing my desires. And with the gray issues—I have so many of my own beliefs to resolve.
I am flying home tomorrow afternoon. We decided just a few short hours ago. This is perhaps the most spurt-of-the-moment, spontaneous trip I’ve ever taken. It means so much to me that dad would work to book me a flight home for Labor Day Weekend less than twenty-four hours before departure. It’s almost surreal. I mentioned to mom on Wednesday that I wish we’d thought ahead to book a flight for her to come out to school to see me this weekend. Of course, with the grandparents’ health the way it is, leaving town is not an option for her. So we both expressed sentiments that it would be great if I could fly home. Although she said she’d talk to Dad and we’d see, I knew not to get my hopes up. Thursday afternoon she called me to tell me it wouldn’t work out, only to have dad call me about an hour later to ask me if I was still interested in coming home. Although we had some flight credit and frequent flyer miles, it still cost him a couple extra hundred dollars to fly me home. I deeply appreciate this. It’s one huge, tangible way that they are showing their love towards me. Were I to stay here at school, I’d spend a lonely weekend researching, reading, and watching tv, or else getting into trouble I probably should avoid.
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